September 11, 2014

Dear Mom, The last couple of weeks have been rough. Again, I feel so alone. I feel like my husband does not understand me, my sisters are consumed with their own shit, and most, not all, of my friends need more from than I am willing to give, without a lot of reciprocation. Dad is off in his own world and I am lucky to get a text every two weeks from him now. He has made me feel like he does not enjoy spending time with us and that he is perfectly happy to cut us all out of his life and focus on his new relationship. I still wake up some days thinking that your death was a terrible dreaM. The pain is still so overwhelming sometimes. I feel like I have no one to turn to. Life is hard and painful right now. I am sad a lot. I have trouble seeing the light from the dark corner i am in. I am having a hard time focusing on the joy. I am constantly questioning how i am living my life. I know there was a time at some point in my life where i was a strong and confident girl, but I don't feel her in me anymore. Where did she go? How do I bring her back? What are the lessons I am supposed to be learning from all this pain and disconnect? Feeling adrift -- everytime i try to reach out to someone, the focus shifts to them and my voice is stifled again. Without you, who will listen to me and help me find my way out of the woods? I feel so lost. I love you, mom.