Thursday, November 20, 2014
November 20, 2014
Things blew up with Dad. And it will be the first year ever in my life where I am left to feel like my family does not want to spend the holidays with me. I miss you so much.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
September 11, 2014
Dear Mom,
The last couple of weeks have been rough. Again, I feel so alone. I feel like my husband does not understand me, my sisters are consumed with their own shit, and most, not all, of my friends need more from than I am willing to give, without a lot of reciprocation. Dad is off in his own world and I am lucky to get a text every two weeks from him now. He has made me feel like he does not enjoy spending time with us and that he is perfectly happy to cut us all out of his life and focus on his new relationship.
I still wake up some days thinking that your death was a terrible dreaM. The pain is still so overwhelming sometimes. I feel like I have no one to turn to. Life is hard and painful right now. I am sad a lot. I have trouble seeing the light from the dark corner i am in. I am having a hard time focusing on the joy. I am constantly questioning how i am living my life.
I know there was a time at some point in my life where i was a strong and confident girl, but I don't feel her in me anymore. Where did she go? How do I bring her back?
What are the lessons I am supposed to be learning from all this pain and disconnect? Feeling adrift -- everytime i try to reach out to someone, the focus shifts to them and my voice is stifled again. Without you, who will listen to me and help me find my way out of the woods? I feel so lost.
I love you, mom.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
June 3, 2014
Dear Mom,
I keep meaning to write about your memorial but there is so much to say and so much of it is painful. The memorial itself was beautiful. I really think you would have liked it. H put together a great slide show for you and the speakers had very loving things to say. So many of your friends showed up. I did not make it through what I wanted to say without breaking down, but I spoke of the great legacy you have left.
I am angry with Dad. I cannot help it. He makes me feel like he never loved any of us and just put up with us for you. That hurts on so many levels. And I am angry enough that I am unwilling to spend the energy to reach out to him and discuss it. I am not sure he would be receptive anyway. I fully expect that he will begin to excise himself from our lives. And I think on some level I am okay with that. I refuse to spend time and energy nurturing relationships with people who do not value their relationship with me. I'm sorry, Mom. I know that that is not what you would have wanted.
I still miss you everyday.
Love you.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
May 7, 2014
Dear Mom,
It has just been over six months. I think I am coming to a place of acceptance -- that does not mean I am not still sad and that I don't still have bad days, I do. It just means I can be more rational about the hurt and the pain, which is a good thing I guess. I am still having a hard time focusing on everything so i end up doing everything without focus, which makes nothing the way I want. I will have to figure this out because it makes me unhappy. I am trying to think about the things you wanted for me and to determine how best I can steer my life in a way you would have been proud of. Happiness, joy, love, comfort, success -- all landmarks that I can, and should, steer my life toward. I need to make a plan and redefine what I want and set some goals and consciously work toward them everyday, because what I have been doing since you passed is anything but conscious.
I feel like I am ready to use my pain and sadness in a more positive way -- like you would want me to. Now I just need to get off my ass and do it.
I sure do miss you mom.
It has just been over six months. I think I am coming to a place of acceptance -- that does not mean I am not still sad and that I don't still have bad days, I do. It just means I can be more rational about the hurt and the pain, which is a good thing I guess. I am still having a hard time focusing on everything so i end up doing everything without focus, which makes nothing the way I want. I will have to figure this out because it makes me unhappy. I am trying to think about the things you wanted for me and to determine how best I can steer my life in a way you would have been proud of. Happiness, joy, love, comfort, success -- all landmarks that I can, and should, steer my life toward. I need to make a plan and redefine what I want and set some goals and consciously work toward them everyday, because what I have been doing since you passed is anything but conscious.
I feel like I am ready to use my pain and sadness in a more positive way -- like you would want me to. Now I just need to get off my ass and do it.
I sure do miss you mom.
Friday, April 25, 2014
April 25, 2014
Dear Mom,
I think I have been way more stressed by the change in family dynamics than I was allowing myself to believe. Everything is so much harder now. I have to make a decision -- put in the energy to make the effort or genuinely try not to care. I am not sure I have the energy it would take right now. i just don't. which means trying not to care. which still means change.
On a different note, Pearl came to live with us. She is doing great -- Lilly is over the moon to have Pearl be her kitty. Pearl has also somehow figured out how to get between the floors in the house. Dave is going to fix the opening so she can't keep doing that, but what a clever kitty. Having her is a little hard because she is a constant reminder of you.
Anyway, I am trying to take care of myself and get through this like I know you would want me to. It has just been so much harder than I ever expected. I love you and miss you every day.
I think I have been way more stressed by the change in family dynamics than I was allowing myself to believe. Everything is so much harder now. I have to make a decision -- put in the energy to make the effort or genuinely try not to care. I am not sure I have the energy it would take right now. i just don't. which means trying not to care. which still means change.
On a different note, Pearl came to live with us. She is doing great -- Lilly is over the moon to have Pearl be her kitty. Pearl has also somehow figured out how to get between the floors in the house. Dave is going to fix the opening so she can't keep doing that, but what a clever kitty. Having her is a little hard because she is a constant reminder of you.
Anyway, I am trying to take care of myself and get through this like I know you would want me to. It has just been so much harder than I ever expected. I love you and miss you every day.
Friday, April 18, 2014
April 18, 2014
Dear Mom,
Life continues to unfold and so much needs attention. We are in the midst of major renovations on the house, I continue to work toward health and I endeavor everyday to be a good mom to my little girl.
My weight loss efforts have stalled since you passed. Part of me feels like I should be thankful that I have not sought solace in all my comfort foods and gained a bunch of weight. But I just feel like I am failing.
If my career was not so established here, I think I would move. The traffic sucks, i am not really a city girl and we have very few close friends and no family here. I am not sure where I would go if that was a possibility. Somewhere sunnier, less crowded, with a lower cost of living. The ocean or a big lake would be nice too.
I have been having a tough time the last few weeks -- it seems like in every part of my life, I have either stuck my foot in it, or opened a can of worms. Part of this may be that I am at the end of my patience. I am tired. And since it has been so hard to find joy lately, I think I am quicker to offend, to anger, to tell it like it is. I have tried really hard to give Dad a lot of latitude. But he has this entrenched position that he is no longer going to deal with drama and that he is going to live his life his way and no one can tell him what to do. His uncensored and uncushioned honesty is cruel. How do I tell him that when he refuses to hear anything I say as anything other than a judgment on him? I want him to be happy. But he should have some consideration and empathy for us by enveloping his honesty with love. I think he is really angry. And I don't think he knows how to love us right now. He just doesn't.
I am dreading your memorial in some ways. I know that what you would want most is to have all the family together and getting along and for the love to be palpable. I think we will all be there, but I am not sure about the love. As Stevie Wonder would say, "Love is in need of love today."
I miss you, Mom. I love you.
Life continues to unfold and so much needs attention. We are in the midst of major renovations on the house, I continue to work toward health and I endeavor everyday to be a good mom to my little girl.
My weight loss efforts have stalled since you passed. Part of me feels like I should be thankful that I have not sought solace in all my comfort foods and gained a bunch of weight. But I just feel like I am failing.
If my career was not so established here, I think I would move. The traffic sucks, i am not really a city girl and we have very few close friends and no family here. I am not sure where I would go if that was a possibility. Somewhere sunnier, less crowded, with a lower cost of living. The ocean or a big lake would be nice too.
I have been having a tough time the last few weeks -- it seems like in every part of my life, I have either stuck my foot in it, or opened a can of worms. Part of this may be that I am at the end of my patience. I am tired. And since it has been so hard to find joy lately, I think I am quicker to offend, to anger, to tell it like it is. I have tried really hard to give Dad a lot of latitude. But he has this entrenched position that he is no longer going to deal with drama and that he is going to live his life his way and no one can tell him what to do. His uncensored and uncushioned honesty is cruel. How do I tell him that when he refuses to hear anything I say as anything other than a judgment on him? I want him to be happy. But he should have some consideration and empathy for us by enveloping his honesty with love. I think he is really angry. And I don't think he knows how to love us right now. He just doesn't.
I am dreading your memorial in some ways. I know that what you would want most is to have all the family together and getting along and for the love to be palpable. I think we will all be there, but I am not sure about the love. As Stevie Wonder would say, "Love is in need of love today."
I miss you, Mom. I love you.
Friday, April 11, 2014
April 11, 2014
Dear Mom,
We are in the midst of planning your memorial. Dad wants us to take a bunch of your stuff while we are down, but it seems like he does not really want us down there. Where you were always asking us to come visit, Dad told us that he could not deal with the three of us being there for five days even though he was working. He limited it to two and a half days and instead of welcoming us and telling us he was looking forward to seeing us and spending time with us, he told us he could "accommodate us" for two nights and that it made sense for us to come a little early before your memorial so that we could go through stuff and then spend a day cooking.
Was Dad always like this and you shielded us from it? Because it stings. It feels like we are putting him out and that he somehow will manage to have us there rather than us being welcome in his home. Having Dad treat us this way makes loosing you even more painful. And it is painful. On so many levels. I wish you were here to teach me how to communicate more effectively with Dad and/or to tell me to cut him some more slack cause although he is already dating again and getting rid of your stuff and the "we" that was your marriage, he is hurt and angry in the wake of your death and his treatment of us is a reflection of that hurt and anger and not a statement of his lack of love for his children. That might make it easier if I heard that from you, because even if rationally I know that to be true, it does not change that it is hurtful and has made your absence even more painful.
Anyway, so far this month has been very painful. What I wouldn't give to cuddle up in your embrace and have you hold me while I sob.
Still missing you. I love you, Mom.
We are in the midst of planning your memorial. Dad wants us to take a bunch of your stuff while we are down, but it seems like he does not really want us down there. Where you were always asking us to come visit, Dad told us that he could not deal with the three of us being there for five days even though he was working. He limited it to two and a half days and instead of welcoming us and telling us he was looking forward to seeing us and spending time with us, he told us he could "accommodate us" for two nights and that it made sense for us to come a little early before your memorial so that we could go through stuff and then spend a day cooking.
Was Dad always like this and you shielded us from it? Because it stings. It feels like we are putting him out and that he somehow will manage to have us there rather than us being welcome in his home. Having Dad treat us this way makes loosing you even more painful. And it is painful. On so many levels. I wish you were here to teach me how to communicate more effectively with Dad and/or to tell me to cut him some more slack cause although he is already dating again and getting rid of your stuff and the "we" that was your marriage, he is hurt and angry in the wake of your death and his treatment of us is a reflection of that hurt and anger and not a statement of his lack of love for his children. That might make it easier if I heard that from you, because even if rationally I know that to be true, it does not change that it is hurtful and has made your absence even more painful.
Anyway, so far this month has been very painful. What I wouldn't give to cuddle up in your embrace and have you hold me while I sob.
Still missing you. I love you, Mom.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
April 9, 2014
Dear Mom,
This morning has been extra emotional. Dad is being hurtful -- I do not know if he intends to be or not, but either way it sucks. I know he has his own way of grieving and I need to respect that, but to say that it would be overwhelming to have the three daughters there prior to your memorial for five days, and that he just cannot handle it -- when he is working every one of those days --- is just hurtful. I am at the point where I feel like he never really loved us, but put up with us for you. I feel like he would rather we go away so that he can move on with his life. That we are a reminder of you that he does not want.
I want Dad to be happy. I do. But it is not okay for him to treat me or my sisters this way. What would you do if you were here? What would you say to him? Is it even worth saying anything to him?
I am also pretty sure I hurt my sister's feelings today. I was trying to be honest, and I wanted her to know how I felt, how her actions were making me feel. But I think I just hurt her feeling, which was not my intent.
I feel like things are just a big mess and I am not sure how to smooth things out, or even if I want to make that my mission.
I feel more alone than ever.
I miss you. I love you, Mom.
This morning has been extra emotional. Dad is being hurtful -- I do not know if he intends to be or not, but either way it sucks. I know he has his own way of grieving and I need to respect that, but to say that it would be overwhelming to have the three daughters there prior to your memorial for five days, and that he just cannot handle it -- when he is working every one of those days --- is just hurtful. I am at the point where I feel like he never really loved us, but put up with us for you. I feel like he would rather we go away so that he can move on with his life. That we are a reminder of you that he does not want.
I want Dad to be happy. I do. But it is not okay for him to treat me or my sisters this way. What would you do if you were here? What would you say to him? Is it even worth saying anything to him?
I am also pretty sure I hurt my sister's feelings today. I was trying to be honest, and I wanted her to know how I felt, how her actions were making me feel. But I think I just hurt her feeling, which was not my intent.
I feel like things are just a big mess and I am not sure how to smooth things out, or even if I want to make that my mission.
I feel more alone than ever.
I miss you. I love you, Mom.
Monday, April 7, 2014
April 7, 2014
Dear Mom,
Spent time with my sister this weekend. It was so nice to just have her there and share space with her. It made me want to move. We talked about you a lot. We both miss you so much. Maybe we will have to start having an annual girls weekend in your honor. I would like that.
Today is finally the first beautiful spring day -- it is warm and sunny outside and the sun is glinting off the water like a million sparkly beads. Days like today make me believe in magic. I wish I could call you up and go have mexican food and drinks out on a patio somewhere like we used to do at Las Olas.
I love you, Mom.
Spent time with my sister this weekend. It was so nice to just have her there and share space with her. It made me want to move. We talked about you a lot. We both miss you so much. Maybe we will have to start having an annual girls weekend in your honor. I would like that.
Today is finally the first beautiful spring day -- it is warm and sunny outside and the sun is glinting off the water like a million sparkly beads. Days like today make me believe in magic. I wish I could call you up and go have mexican food and drinks out on a patio somewhere like we used to do at Las Olas.
I love you, Mom.
Friday, April 4, 2014
April 4, 2014
Dear Mom,
Maybe it is not fair, but not having the option of having you visit or being able to visit you, has made me way less tolerant of in-law visits.
Also, I have had this feeling of "blech" for the last couple of days -- not wanting to do anything, but feeling unsettled by not doing anything. It is a very weird feeling and I am not sure how to counteract it other than to just force myself to start doing stuff and hopefully the joy will come.
Still missing you. I love you, Mom.
Maybe it is not fair, but not having the option of having you visit or being able to visit you, has made me way less tolerant of in-law visits.
Also, I have had this feeling of "blech" for the last couple of days -- not wanting to do anything, but feeling unsettled by not doing anything. It is a very weird feeling and I am not sure how to counteract it other than to just force myself to start doing stuff and hopefully the joy will come.
Still missing you. I love you, Mom.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
April 2, 2014
Dear Mom,
I keep having the most unsettling dreams about you and Dad. I think I am trying to process his new lifestyle and the fact that it really looks like he is ready to start dating again. I am not ready for him to start dating again. It has not even been 5 months. I know you would have wanted him to be happy and I know that you knew he does better with a woman in his life, but its hard. And it hurts. I think I am disappointed in him. Maybe that is not fair, but it is how I feel.
I tried to talk to Dad about how much I miss you and he told me that you would not have wanted me to be so sad. That is probably true. But I don't know how to make the sadness go away. I feel very alone. The world feels very big and I feel very small.
You know I have never been a crier. But that has all changed. I find myself crying at work, while I'm driving, at home -- trying to hide it from my daughter and my husband, because neither understand how sometimes I can just get sad now.
In one of our last conversations you told me to try to find the joy in everything I do, including work, because then I would not feel so stressed or unhappy or pressured. I am finding that very hard right now, but I keep thinking about it and keep trying to focus on that.
I love you, Mom; and I miss you everyday.
I keep having the most unsettling dreams about you and Dad. I think I am trying to process his new lifestyle and the fact that it really looks like he is ready to start dating again. I am not ready for him to start dating again. It has not even been 5 months. I know you would have wanted him to be happy and I know that you knew he does better with a woman in his life, but its hard. And it hurts. I think I am disappointed in him. Maybe that is not fair, but it is how I feel.
I tried to talk to Dad about how much I miss you and he told me that you would not have wanted me to be so sad. That is probably true. But I don't know how to make the sadness go away. I feel very alone. The world feels very big and I feel very small.
You know I have never been a crier. But that has all changed. I find myself crying at work, while I'm driving, at home -- trying to hide it from my daughter and my husband, because neither understand how sometimes I can just get sad now.
In one of our last conversations you told me to try to find the joy in everything I do, including work, because then I would not feel so stressed or unhappy or pressured. I am finding that very hard right now, but I keep thinking about it and keep trying to focus on that.
I love you, Mom; and I miss you everyday.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
March 25, 2014
Dear Mom,
I have had a few days where I have been very busy and being that busy made me feel like maybe I was past the point where my grief from your loss would catch in my throat and trickle down my face. I was wrong. The pain can still be raw and uncontrollable. I know that you would not want me to be so sad. But I miss you so much. I keep wanting to call you to share something, or just to say hello and the realization that I can't is always surprisingly shocking. Rationally, it should not shock me, but emotionally it does. And that is hard. I wish I could talk to you about how hard it is -- you always were the person I would go to when I felt overwhelmed by something.
Losing you has made your strong daughter feel fragile. I love you, Mom.
I have had a few days where I have been very busy and being that busy made me feel like maybe I was past the point where my grief from your loss would catch in my throat and trickle down my face. I was wrong. The pain can still be raw and uncontrollable. I know that you would not want me to be so sad. But I miss you so much. I keep wanting to call you to share something, or just to say hello and the realization that I can't is always surprisingly shocking. Rationally, it should not shock me, but emotionally it does. And that is hard. I wish I could talk to you about how hard it is -- you always were the person I would go to when I felt overwhelmed by something.
Losing you has made your strong daughter feel fragile. I love you, Mom.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
March 20, 2014
Dear Mom,
I miss you everyday. Several times a day. The pain of your loss is still so raw in so many ways. Everything has changed and nothing has changed. That is a hard place to be stuck in the middle of. The light is hard to find and yet I keep seeking it.
You were so many people to me in so many ways. Mother, confidant, friend, advisor, sounding board. And I miss every part of my relationship with you. It is hard to talk to other people about how profoundly sad I am. My husband does not understand. My sisters understand, but have their own sadness to deal with. I do not think Dad is capable of understanding right now -- he has his own acute grief and his own way of dealing with the pain. I feel like he is building a wall, or maybe there was always a wall and you just always buffered that and acted as a path through that wall. I am having a hard time finding that path. I feel like an orphan in many ways, which I know is in no way unique, but is so foreign to the familial closeness you facilitated when you were alive and that frankly was my normal.
I am trying not to be sad, but instead be grateful for all that you were, that I was blessed with so much love, and that we had a good relationship for most of the forty years we shared. But it is hard, and I am stumbling. Some days are worse than others, but everyday has its hurdles.
It is hard for me to fathom what death means. I have done a lot of reading into the science of the soul, and the theory that energy does not disappear, and that somehow, somewhere your soul still exists. If that is true, I sure hope that where your soul is now is not lonely and that you are with other souls that make you happy. I hope that death is only hard on those you leave behind and that death is actually a blessing for you. Although it is so painful not to have you here anymore, thank you so much for how much you loved when you were here. Thank you for loving me.
Thinking of you.
I miss you everyday. Several times a day. The pain of your loss is still so raw in so many ways. Everything has changed and nothing has changed. That is a hard place to be stuck in the middle of. The light is hard to find and yet I keep seeking it.
You were so many people to me in so many ways. Mother, confidant, friend, advisor, sounding board. And I miss every part of my relationship with you. It is hard to talk to other people about how profoundly sad I am. My husband does not understand. My sisters understand, but have their own sadness to deal with. I do not think Dad is capable of understanding right now -- he has his own acute grief and his own way of dealing with the pain. I feel like he is building a wall, or maybe there was always a wall and you just always buffered that and acted as a path through that wall. I am having a hard time finding that path. I feel like an orphan in many ways, which I know is in no way unique, but is so foreign to the familial closeness you facilitated when you were alive and that frankly was my normal.
I am trying not to be sad, but instead be grateful for all that you were, that I was blessed with so much love, and that we had a good relationship for most of the forty years we shared. But it is hard, and I am stumbling. Some days are worse than others, but everyday has its hurdles.
It is hard for me to fathom what death means. I have done a lot of reading into the science of the soul, and the theory that energy does not disappear, and that somehow, somewhere your soul still exists. If that is true, I sure hope that where your soul is now is not lonely and that you are with other souls that make you happy. I hope that death is only hard on those you leave behind and that death is actually a blessing for you. Although it is so painful not to have you here anymore, thank you so much for how much you loved when you were here. Thank you for loving me.
Thinking of you.
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