Dear Mom,
Life continues to unfold and so much needs attention. We are in the midst of major renovations on the house, I continue to work toward health and I endeavor everyday to be a good mom to my little girl.
My weight loss efforts have stalled since you passed. Part of me feels like I should be thankful that I have not sought solace in all my comfort foods and gained a bunch of weight. But I just feel like I am failing.
If my career was not so established here, I think I would move. The traffic sucks, i am not really a city girl and we have very few close friends and no family here. I am not sure where I would go if that was a possibility. Somewhere sunnier, less crowded, with a lower cost of living. The ocean or a big lake would be nice too.
I have been having a tough time the last few weeks -- it seems like in every part of my life, I have either stuck my foot in it, or opened a can of worms. Part of this may be that I am at the end of my patience. I am tired. And since it has been so hard to find joy lately, I think I am quicker to offend, to anger, to tell it like it is. I have tried really hard to give Dad a lot of latitude. But he has this entrenched position that he is no longer going to deal with drama and that he is going to live his life his way and no one can tell him what to do. His uncensored and uncushioned honesty is cruel. How do I tell him that when he refuses to hear anything I say as anything other than a judgment on him? I want him to be happy. But he should have some consideration and empathy for us by enveloping his honesty with love. I think he is really angry. And I don't think he knows how to love us right now. He just doesn't.
I am dreading your memorial in some ways. I know that what you would want most is to have all the family together and getting along and for the love to be palpable. I think we will all be there, but I am not sure about the love. As Stevie Wonder would say, "Love is in need of love today."
I miss you, Mom. I love you.
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