April 9, 2014

Dear Mom,

This morning has been extra emotional.  Dad is being hurtful -- I do not know if he intends to be or not, but either way it sucks.  I know he has his own way of grieving and I need to respect that, but to say that it would be overwhelming to have the three daughters there prior to your memorial for five days, and that he just cannot handle it -- when he is working every one of those days --- is just hurtful.  I am at the point where I feel like he never really loved us, but put up with us for you.  I feel like he would rather we go away so that he can move on with his life.  That we are a reminder of you that he does not want.

I want Dad to be happy.  I do.  But it is not okay for him to treat me or my sisters this way.  What would you do if you were here?  What would you say to him?  Is it even worth saying anything to him?

I am also pretty sure I hurt my sister's feelings today.  I was trying to be honest, and I wanted her to know how I felt, how her actions were making me feel.  But I think I just hurt her feeling, which was not my intent.

I feel like things are just a big mess and I am not sure how to smooth things out, or even if I want to make that my mission.

I feel more alone than ever.

I miss you.  I love you, Mom.