April 2, 2014

Dear Mom,

I keep having the most unsettling dreams about you and Dad.  I think I am trying to process his new lifestyle and the fact that it really looks like he is ready to start dating again.  I am not ready for him to start dating again.  It has not even been 5 months.  I know you would have wanted him to be happy and I know that you knew he does better with a woman in his life, but its hard.  And it hurts.  I think I am disappointed in him.  Maybe that is not fair, but it is how I feel.

I tried to talk to Dad about how much I miss you and he told me that you would not have wanted me to be so sad.  That is probably true.  But I don't know how to make the sadness go away.  I feel very alone.  The world feels very big and I feel very small.

You know I have never been a crier.  But that has all changed.  I find myself crying at work, while I'm driving, at home -- trying to hide it from my daughter and my husband, because neither understand how sometimes I can just get sad now.

In one of our last conversations you told me to try to find the joy in everything I do, including work, because then I would not feel so stressed or unhappy or pressured.  I am finding that very hard right now, but I keep thinking about it and keep trying to focus on that.

I love you, Mom; and I miss you everyday.